It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed. 

Deuteronomy 31:8

Mother’s Day was one of my favorite days of the year. And while I love being with my two amazing sons and their families on Mother’s Day, there is also a lot of pain for me on Mother’s Day because I used to have three sons. God changed MY plan of being Davie’s mom here on earth on October 20, 2020.

 This was not the plan, God!

Our 32 year old severely autistic son, whom I have been the main caretaker for, was gone in a matter of minutes. Davie passed away in our home while our youngest son Cody was holding him and crying. We didn’t even know he was dying in that moment. My mind attempted to find a rationale for what was happening even as the ambulances, fire trucks, and police arrived.

 This was not the plan, God!

As the first responders were performing CPR on Davie, I wanted to watch (even though my husband, Dave, understandably did not want me to) because I knew when Davie came to, he would be very combative. I wanted him to be able to hear my voice to help calm him.

This was not the plan, God!  

The plan was to be Davie’s mom by caring for him, cooking his favorite foods, helping him get dressed, reading Dr. Suess to him, making him smile, watching him swing, listening to his music, bathing him, singing silly songs, finding toys that would make him laugh, tucking him in bed at night – for the rest of MY life.

This was not the plan, God!

My main calling, my main job, the main influence on my schedule and what took up the majority of my thoughts was my son Davie. How could I not do that anymore? What was I, if not Davie’s mom?

This was not the plan, God!

The plan was for our other two sons, Dusty & Cody, to take over his care when my husband and I passed away. We had conversations about this and their wives even willingly agreed to help care for him before they married into the family.

The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.

Proverbs 16:9 

That was not MY plan, but I have seen the goodness of God in His plan. Davie died very quickly from pulmonary emboli. After receiving the autopsy results, we realized that he had a large undetectable cancer mass.  We knew nothing about it. Neither did his doctor. How would he ever have been able to live through all that testing and treatment? It would have been devastating on all of us.

That was not MY plan, but Davie died knowing his mom & dad were in the room with him and his brother was holding him. He didn’t die alone in his sleep or while at his day program. How comforting to look back on that. As truly painful as it was, we were there.

So, what did I do when God changed this mama’s plan?  

I prayed. I questioned. I searched. Who am I now? Where am I going? How do I figure out what is next? And you know what? I still don’t have the full answer, but this is what I know: not knowing the answers has made me turn to God over and over and over again.      

If I knew all the answers, I would not be as dependent on Him. So, I am waiting BUT while I am waiting, I am serving, worshiping and listening for God to make my path clear and to make me whole again. I am slowly seeing how God can give my life u-turns and that He is fully prepared to grow me through it.  I know God is working that out because since Davie passed, He has given me two more beautiful gifts in the form of grandchildren, so now we have three.  What a blessing beyond measure!

 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

What plan has God changed in your life? It could be something much smaller, like a car breaking down, an injury, a move, unrelenting financial pressure, or even a broken relationship. I have learned that it’s our job to make ourselves ready to hear what God wants to say to us. If we pay attention, He will reveal what our next step should be – usually one at a time. To make ourselves ready, we need to keep connected to Him through prayer, His Word, worship and being in church together. We cannot be ready to listen if we are not connected.

 I realize this is a hard story to hear, especially on Mother’s Day, but remember God’s plan is the one to bring true joy, fulfillment, and connection. Take encouragement from this to stay connected to the Lord and position yourself to be willing to hear what He is saying to you when YOUR plan has been changed. 

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